The Color of Self Doubt I’d say it’s a mossy green, possibly the color of decay. Rotting dreams, hopes, piled high in the front of my mind as I take this journey. There have been a variety of people in my life that have thrusted their idea of what I’m capable of at me. Wielding a weapon towards me, bludgeoning the wants in my life. “You are letting this book consume too much of your time” “You have are job and kids, so busy. Why not just focus on them?” Others don’t batter dreams with the spoken word. No, their choice of malice is much worse, openly mistaking my kindness as idiosy.
I Assure you I am Far from Stupid. I may not have been blessed with the ability to remember terminology or every grammar rule in the book (I am still searching for the book that can change the way my brain works, let me know if you find it). My knowledge wears a purist’s armor. It may look like its covered in elmars glue and dollar store sparkles, but if you take a closer look, you’ll see that it glows golden with a fire of will and perseverance.
I see people, instead of looking at or past them, I search for what makes them happy and unhappy. I strive to help them find a reason to smile and dig to help find, for them, the strength to push through another day. It is, very often, exhausting for me. Try as I may, I can’t seem to stop myself from internalizing their woes. I’m really glad to though, if it has helped one person feel like enough for one day.
I, Unfortunately, Internalize the Negative as well. I’ve attempted to push through, tirelessly fending off the habit. I’ve come a long way but still seem to let other’s toxic sludge leach into my being. Fighting the battle, I arm myself with a small shield of confidence, protecting my innards with a will to accept myself the way I am. Watch out nay sayers, I am winning.
Those who doubt me will see me rise above and wish they were a part of my glory. Fear not, I also have been bestowed with the mindsight to forgive. While this trait has been mistaken for being naive, it has been an invaluable weapon for me that I don’t intend on discarding.
So Go Right Ahead and Keep Doubting me. I can’t wait to prove you wrong. My path is clear. I was made to make people smile. To make them feel worthy. To give them a tool to escape reality and find their self worth.
I am going to have one hell of a time doing it too.